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Every fuckin' week, you can come here to read your weekly horoscope. We've delved into the deepest and darkest mysteries of the fuckin' universe to find the key that unlocks the future. You can be sure that the mystic powers of Cannon the Seer will guide you through your weekly journey, all with that Foul Mouth style you've come to expect from the nasty fuckers here Foul Mouth Radio.

Updated for the week of 5/07 thru 5/14

Aries
- When confronted this week, it will be best to stick with the facts and to not make a bunch of shit up to cover your tracks. Yes, you cheated on your lover. Yes, it was with a midget hooker. Yes, it was because you were fucked up on crank at the time. No, you didn't use a rubber. See how liberating the truth can be? There's nothing sweeter than the truth.

Taurus
- Special favors, honor, and recognition will come your way this week because of some concern that you openly show a friend. Of course, no one has to know that they only reason you showed any concern for your friend at all is so that people would see what a good person you are. I wish I could say that you're going to be caught in the middle of this heinous shit, but I can't. You're just too good at being an asshole to get caught. Congratulations!

Gemini - People are going to promise you more than they can deliver this week, and yeah...I am talking about orgasms. Try not to show your disappointment, because you will crush the spirit of the poor bastard who promised they could make you cum like you've never cum in your life. When people boast like this, it means that they have a very low self esteem, and you could very well destroy their soul. It would be better to just fake it.

Cancer - The start of a new relationship will both surprise and confuse you. You never thought of yourself as a bestiphile, but there was just something about the way that golden retriever sniffed your crotch that just screamed, "I want to smell you on the inside!" How could you resist? Join some activist groups and lobby to legalize human/animal marriage. One day you may not have to hide your love any longer.

Leo - - Way to fuckin' come to the rescue! This week, one of your best buddies will wander off in a drunken haze to be trapped at a hotel where they will awaken, only to have no clue as to where they are or how they got there. Speed is of the essence! If they are not rescued soon, then they will possibly be drugged and their organs harvested for the black market. It does not pay to get drunk in cities you are unfamiliar with.

Virgo - Affection and sensuality are going to become far more important toyou as the week rolls on. You may actually realize that you've become such a touchy-feely bitch, that you're actually smothering and driving away the person you want to be close to. You should probably quit doing that. Even if you want to be in someone's lap, doesn't mean your 250 pound ass should be there. Back off and deny yourself a bit,and you'll actually find your relationship growing.

Libra - Pay very close attention to the Voice of Inspiration this week, as it could lead you on a new path of self-discovery and fulfillment. Do not, however, confuse the Voice of Inspiration with the schizoid voices in your head that are telling you to rape the neighbor's dog. That voice will lead you down an old path of being instittionalized and medicated...and we both know how lame that shit can be. The worst 18 years of your life, right?

Scorpio - You're lack of any verbal inhibition is going to drive you to say some shit to someone that you're going to regret later. You will have no control over when this shitty circumstance is going to happen, so you might as well not worry about that shit too much. The only way to stop it from happening, is to stop drinking...and we both know that shit isn't happening nytime soon. Prevention is better than consequence, but you'll never understand that shit.

Sagitarius - If you're feeling depressed this week, it could be because you're very tired. If you're feeling tired this week, it could be because you're snorting too much cocaine. I'm not telling you that you have to stop, or anything. I'm just saying that ifyou want to be happier, then you should go ahead and back off the nose candy enough so that you can actually go to sleep at night. I'm worried about you, brah!

Capricorn - If someone is stepping on your toes, then you should consider that a challenge to crush their ankles. There is no such thing as an "eye for an eye" in your world this week. There is only entrails for eyes! If someone fucks with you, then you should break them down so hard that they will never think about crossing you again. That's how the Mafia did things, and look how well they've done for themelves.

Aquarius - Things re going to start changing around you at light-speed. Too fast for you to keep track, and certainly too fast for you to ever be able to make proper internal adjustments. The only way you'll be abl to cope with this new stress, is by sleeping in your bedroom closet and crying quietly...just like you did as a child when your uncle made you touch his cock on Thanksgiving.

Pisces - Goddamnit, it pisses me off when you bastards are scheduled to have an awesome week. That shit never happens to me, so I'm fuckin' jealous. Your week i going to be awesome, okay? Lots of money, hookers, and good times are coming your way. Eat a big fuckin' dick. I don't want to hear bout how wonderful your life is anymore, okay? Fuck off. Enjoy the super-awesomeness of your life, asshole.