Your Fuckin' Whore-a-scope, Bitches!
BY COCAINE ENERGY DRINK
fuckin' week, you can come here to read your weekly horoscope.
We've delved into the deepest and darkest mysteries of the
fuckin' universe to find the key that unlocks the future.
You can be sure that the mystic powers of Cannon the Seer
will guide you through your weekly journey, all with that
Foul Mouth style you've come to expect from the nasty fuckers
here Foul Mouth Radio.
for the week of 5/07 thru 5/14
When confronted this week, it will be best to stick
with the facts and to not make a bunch of shit up to cover
your tracks. Yes, you cheated on your lover. Yes, it was with
a midget hooker. Yes, it was because you were fucked up on
crank at the time. No, you didn't use a rubber. See how liberating
the truth can be? There's nothing sweeter than the truth.
- Special favors, honor, and recognition will come
your way this week because of some concern that you openly
show a friend. Of course, no one has to know that they only
reason you showed any concern for your friend at all is so
that people would see what a good person you are. I wish I
could say that you're going to be caught in the middle of
this heinous shit, but I can't. You're just too good at being
an asshole to get caught. Congratulations!
- People are going to promise you more than they can deliver
this week, and yeah...I am talking about orgasms.
Try not to show your disappointment, because you will crush
the spirit of the poor bastard who promised they could make
you cum like you've never cum in your life. When people boast
like this, it means that they have a very low self esteem,
and you could very well destroy their soul. It would be better
to just fake it.
- The start of a new relationship will both surprise and confuse
you. You never thought of yourself as a bestiphile, but there
was just something about the way that golden retriever sniffed
your crotch that just screamed, "I want to smell you
on the inside!" How could you resist? Join some activist
groups and lobby to legalize human/animal marriage. One day
you may not have to hide your love any longer.
- - Way to fuckin' come to the rescue! This week, one of your
best buddies will wander off in a drunken haze to be trapped
at a hotel where they will awaken, only to have no clue as
to where they are or how they got there. Speed is of the essence!
If they are not rescued soon, then they will possibly be drugged
and their organs harvested for the black market. It does not
pay to get drunk in cities you are unfamiliar with.
- Affection and sensuality are going to become far more important
toyou as the week rolls on. You may actually realize that
you've become such a touchy-feely bitch, that you're actually
smothering and driving away the person you want to be close
to. You should probably quit doing that. Even if you want
to be in someone's lap, doesn't mean your 250 pound ass should
be there. Back off and deny yourself a bit,and you'll actually
find your relationship growing.
- Pay very close attention to the Voice of Inspiration this
week, as it could lead you on a new path of self-discovery
and fulfillment. Do not, however, confuse the Voice of Inspiration
with the schizoid voices in your head that are telling you
to rape the neighbor's dog. That voice will lead you down
an old path of being instittionalized and medicated...and
we both know how lame that shit can be. The worst 18 years
of your life, right?
- You're lack of any verbal inhibition is going to drive you
to say some shit to someone that you're going to regret later.
You will have no control over when this shitty circumstance
is going to happen, so you might as well not worry about that
shit too much. The only way to stop it from happening, is
to stop drinking...and we both know that shit isn't happening
nytime soon. Prevention is better than consequence, but you'll
never understand that shit.
- If you're feeling depressed this week, it could be because
you're very tired. If you're feeling tired this week, it could
be because you're snorting too much cocaine. I'm not telling
you that you have to stop, or anything. I'm just
saying that ifyou want to be happier, then you should go ahead
and back off the nose candy enough so that you can actually
go to sleep at night. I'm worried about you, brah!
- If someone is stepping on your toes, then you should consider
that a challenge to crush their ankles. There is no such thing
as an "eye for an eye" in your world this week.
There is only entrails for eyes! If someone fucks with you,
then you should break them down so hard that they will never
think about crossing you again. That's how the Mafia did things,
and look how well they've done for themelves.
- Things re going to start changing around you at light-speed.
Too fast for you to keep track, and certainly too fast for
you to ever be able to make proper internal adjustments. The
only way you'll be abl to cope with this new stress, is by
sleeping in your bedroom closet and crying quietly...just
like you did as a child when your uncle made you touch his
cock on Thanksgiving.
- Goddamnit, it pisses me off when you bastards are scheduled
to have an awesome week. That shit never happens to me, so
I'm fuckin' jealous. Your week i going to be awesome, okay?
Lots of money, hookers, and good times are coming your way.
Eat a big fuckin' dick. I don't want to hear bout how wonderful
your life is anymore, okay? Fuck off. Enjoy the super-awesomeness
of your life, asshole.