Here's Your Fuckin' Whore-a-scope, Bitches!
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Every fuckin' week, you can come here to read your weekly horoscope. We've delved into the deepest and darkest mysteries of the fuckin' universe to find the key that unlocks the future. You can be sure that the mystic powers of Cannon the Seer will guide you through your weekly journey, all with that Foul Mouth style you've come to expect from the nasty fuckers here Foul Mouth Radio.

Updated for the week of 6/19 thru 6/26

Aries
- Your public image is going to remain very fucking high for the whole remainder of this month, which is a very good thing since you suck so fucking much. I don't know how you're going to put a positive spin on the wretched shit that you do on a daily fucking basis, but your good looks and smooth tongue is going to get you out of any negetive shit you may get yourself into. Congrats, ass.

Taurus
- This week is a time of rest for you, poor Taurus. It seems that you have over-exherted yourself being a complete douchebag last week. It can be some pretty fuckin' strenuous shit to be a dickhead to everyone you know 24/7 for a whole fucking week. I bet you didn't even get any sleep at all, did you? You should take this week to rest up, since you're gonna need to be an even bigger douche next week. You'll need ALL of your fucking energy.

Gemini - Reletives are willing to give a helping hand and a few words of wisdom this week when you're feeling all down in the fuckin' dumps. We all know that you'd prefer for them to be helping out with their wallets open, but we also know what cheap assholes your family can be. You're just going to have to settle for the kind words. Hey! At least they still TALK to you, right?

Cancer - A special project that will require a bit of hard work and research will come your way this week. It's too bad that you're a lazy shithead, and you'll never get motivated enough to do the shit right. This project could get you some acclaim if you'd do it righ, but you'll only manage to do the thing half-assed or even not-at-all. Way to be a lazy-ass fuck-up, Cancer. Good job!

Leo - Glib of tongue and quick of wit, you'll feel a rise in your persuasive skills and your oratory mastery this week. No...that does not mean that you'll be able to give oral better. It means that you'll be able to sell ketchup popscicles to women in white gloves. You'll break into a new aspect of your talents that lets you slide and swerve around a social minefield like it was a skating rink. Use your power wisely.

Virgo - Social events are a must this week, you reclusive fuck. You've spent too much time away from people and out of the fucking sun, so it might be a good idea to venture out into the world and interact with the rest of society for a bit. If you neglect your peers, you'll surely be framed for child-rape at some point in your fucking life. That's what happens to all hermits. Get out.

Libra - This week's scenario is highlighted by some extra fundage that will come at you straight out of the fucking blue! Extra fucking money, motherfucker! That's a reason to celebrate! It's time to buy some booze and to throw a huge fucking party! You should totally invite all of your friends and get everyone you know drunk as shit, just to show off what a big-bawler you are! Okay...so...you HAD some extra money.

Scorpio - Your high-and-mighty attitude is going to force some of the eartier people you know to exclude you and to label you an official "Asshat." It's okay to have high moral values, but don't go around rubbing them into people's face. Statements like, "Oh no...I don't drink. I never want to lose control of myself like that." That's a douchebag reark, man. Don't fucking do that shit or people will start calling you names.

Sagitarius - You're going to catch AIDS this week. You shouldn't be such a fucking whore. You should at least wrap up all the naughty bits with plastic sheeting before you start rubbing and grinding on someone you hardly even know. Well, hindsight is always 20/20. You know now what you did wrong. You caught AIDS. That's what you did wrong. Start investing in antibiotics.

Capricorn - This week is a week of sacrifice, so that you can get some reward later. You're going to have to pamper that bloated fucker that you live with. You may have felt some emotion that might kind-of resemble love when you first started dating them, but now you're just in a constant state of semi-hatred. It's unfortunate, but it's sadly true. Now you're going to have to give and give and give, especially this week. Hopefully...things won't suck quite so bad next week. This week is a lost cause. Get ready for misery.

Aquarius - You aren't the easiest person to get along with. It's because you're an asshole. For some reason, though, people tend to care about what you say and think. You opinion matters within a sizeable group of people, and you need to use this power wisely this week. Remember that people will react to things depending on what you think about them, so make sure you don't set the mindless drones against someone or something that could benefit you later.

Pisces - You need to not accept any and every thing that comes you way. You need to start looking towards the big fucking picture and you need to plan for the goddamn future already. It's time to set down the little, inconsequential bullshit tha you occupy your time with and start working towards making yourself a fucking super-star. I'm all kinds of fucking motivational, aren't I?